Friday, January 19, 2007

despite almost 2 decades
of life,
i dont think i have grown
significantly more comfortable with
certain ideas most people are
(seemingly) well conditioned to.

for example,
unions, REunions,
socialising on a regular basis,
worshipping Human Beings or Non-Human Beings,
rating and labelling relationships,
being happy on birthday or merry on xmas,
making it compulsory to have lunch companions
ETC.

while ive grown up a little to
acknowledge that this attitude is
antisocial and not widely accepted,
there is still this great inertia to
conforming.

in all fairness
i have improved.
i make effort to set myself requirements to
socialise at a tolerable frequency,
just to keep up with the
Normal Crowd.

i know, i know
explaining myself AGAIN
just makes me come across
more bizarre,
more like a deliquent with
some lot of issues.

most times, people take it
personally, as if i hate them.

but really,
if it was Them,
then by now,
i should have been able to find
at least one person
in this world out of my (close to)
2 decades of life
whom i could
feel consistently pleased
to be around often enough.

Hence, people should really
not feel like i hate them
even if they feel like i behave like
i do.

yes, like you
i live a life
but unlike you
i take it as my job.
thus
socialising(sometimes)
is the equivalent of OT-
brings you the extra bucks,
but sucks you bloody dry.

life, because i take it as a chore,
is not my idea of enjoyable,
but-granted- is necessary,
and brings certain incentives.

i dont mind the chance of
socialising while On The Job,
but i resist the idea of coming back
to the Job on my self-designated
Off Day.
there is a great possibility of
unhappiness, albeit an even
greater possibility of happiness.

friends and relatives-
there's neither a best nor
a not so best.

people are People,
and i will take them on
like a task to accomplish.

sometimes there's a grey boundary,
and thats when things get scary.

thats when feelings are invested and
i actually get whirled the world of
Being Like The Rest.
i start feeling attachment, love, guilt,
sadness, anger and an assortment
of emotions.
All of which,
i see as wrong, and uncalled for.
it defies my principle of convenience
to be overly-human,
it's all to challenging for a kid like me.

cynical or insane,
maybe im just being a child.

but then, a child i shall be;
for it preserves my
self-esteem, allows
for my self-centeredness
and gives me the
comfortable template to which
i let my life take.

10:07 PM

rainbow, just out the window.

8:37 PM

Sunday, January 14, 2007

"...the opposite of love is not hate,
it's indifference." - bree, desperate housewives.

cant agree more.

4:00 PM

bhutan, top of the world.

3:45 PM

Friday, January 12, 2007

work.

bus interchange- FLASHFLOOD! (woo.)

11:29 PM

disease is not punishment.
or at least,
its healthier not to think that.

i mean,
if you are capable of
convincing yourself that it is,
you can probably convince yourself
that it's not.

but i guess its a tempting
reasoning, since there's no real
pattern to who,
or why or how people cease
to exist the way they do.

putting yourself thru' your
self-staged conscience tribunal-
where you charge yourself
guilty,
take your spirit to the gallows
and kill it with guilt -
to make sense of the
sorts of circumstances
destiny shoves into your face,
is unnecessarily punishing.

see: if you decide that
you should qualify
as a reasonably, well-derserving
Good Person,
considering the
greater ratio of Good you've done over
Not-so-good,
you tend not to take it very well
should tragedies befall.

chances are,
you fall out with God,
blame injustice, humanity, society,
for mistreating you,
The Good Person who has done
most things good.

if you are honest
and you have a fairly good memory,
you will rack up all the Wrongs
you have done in this life time,
rate them accordingly,
and by some arithmetic,
conclude that you are The Evil Thing.

you are resigned that
everything that happens is
what you brought upon yourself;
because you are ugly, greedy, envious,
and everything bad.

its easy to believe this-
especially
when you're at a point where
even will cannot bring you any way.
it can probably only give you,
at best,
a graceful departure,
but not exactly the longevity that
most people see as the
indication of a Good Person's
reward from _________.

Death is the inevitably,
premature death, a punishment, then?

besides who's to say
what's premature and whether
lifespan equates quality of one's character?

our insatiable hunger for answers
sometimes murders our
optimism to weather these times.
because we come up with many
plausible answers to questions we
made up on our own-
we become more afraid.

for the convenience,
as i always prefer to live by,
believe that there's a Greater Plan.
nevermind what that Plan is,
believe its for the Greater Good.
so everything comes for a reason-
NEVERMIND WHAT IT IS
(AMBIGUITY IS THE KEY)-
take it like a
dignified, carefree Human Being.

10:31 PM

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

its tricky-
and so i have no heart
to make any effort to fork out time,
and no business in
straining myself more
just to look like the Great Person
for being a part of the People Matter.

i can deal with not being
so great, or not great at all,
just so i dont create another difficult
situation
that i dont need.

so
cut me some slack,
and pardon my less than
perfect self.

10:18 PM

iran, so beautiful.

9:46 PM

Saturday, January 06, 2007

i am the ugly, ugly
escapist,
i despise.

i run away,
i let myself decay with
the cowardice, the sheer cowardice.

i run away,
again.

& again.

1:26 AM

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

and im jolted into 2007.

not sure why we invent this
concept
of "a new year" to
give ourselves the
illusion of renewal to our lives.

what does the orbiting
of the Earth
round that ball of fire
got to do with "happy" and
"new beginnings", really

but its good i have every 365th
day of my life as a pit stop to
assess my life.
it gives me some sort of a
tangible end point
that would otherwise make
life seem aimless
if not for the
motivation to live to see the
next year, which
i always hope,
"would be better".

yes, the hope for
better is
encouraging.
especially since its so
insanely easy to get discouraged
in the crazy crazy world.

im satisfied enough by how
i governed myself this year.
tho im still as imperfect as i was
last year,
i think maybe the improvement is
in coming to terms and in dealing.

i still hate my frailties,
my arrogance, my (sometimes) competence,
my hypocrisy, my hate
and a whole lot of other things.

my arrogance wrecks me abit.
like a probable relationship with God.
i don't like to sound like i believe
that my blessings were a matter of chance,
but i don't want to be part of
the misunderstanding that
God-talk is fashionable, or
just a useful PR tool.

its hard to explain myself,
but until im wholly comfortable with
the idea of "worshipping" and "rituals",
i will focus on being a harmless member
of the Human Race and respect that
God is around.
don't mistake me, i lke that idea, really.
in fact, i quite agree its real.

its the people really, i can't quite tell
who's telling the truth.
they kill one another over
the superiority of their
versions of God,
it bothers me.
( i think there's only one,
its only logical, unless its a
ministry or sth.)

i guess
i would like more strength
to help me more
in fitting into this world that doesnt
see eye to eye with me, irritates me,
and sometimes tears me apart.

6:53 PM